Marlon Wayans and Michael Tiddes Achieve the Impossible
A Haunted House 2 picks up right where A Haunted House left off. Ray Ray (Affion Crockett) and Malcolm (Marlon Wayans) are driving Kisha (Essence Atkins) to the hospital after her exorcism. As they are on their way, Kisha awakens causing them to get in an accident. After the accident, the screen goes black very similar to the way that The Devil Inside ended. The film immediately flashes forward to a year later where Malcolm is now moving into a new house with his new girlfriend Megan (Jaime Pressly) and her two children, Becky (Ashley Rickards) and Wyatt (Steele Stebbins). Hoping for a new beginning, Malcolm’s dreams are soon destroyed when he learns that paranormal activity is happening yet again.
I am going to begin this review by stating that A Haunted House and Movie 43 were tied as my least favorite films of 2013. These two films proved that the spoof genre was dead and when I heard about A Haunted House 2 being put into production, I thought it was some sort of sick joke. Unfortunately, A Haunted House 2 is a reality and with how bad the original film was my initial thoughts were this film has no where to go but up. However, what is even more amazing to me is that somehow Marlon Wayans and Michael Tiddes have achieved the impossible. The two minds behind the first shit storm that is A Haunted House somehow made a sequel that is even worse than the first one.
A Haunted House 2 follows the exact same formula as the first film, only this time around every joke seems to go on forever. If you thought the scene in the first Haunted House movie where Malcolm had sex with a ghost went on for too long, wait till you see the scene in this film where he fucks The Conjuring doll named Abigail for a solid 5 minutes. I wish I was kidding, but there is honestly a five minute scene where Malcolm starts off making out with the doll and then the film keeps jump cutting to him doing various things with the doll. What sort of things? Well, he goes down on the doll as if he was going down on a woman, he makes the doll give him a blowjob, and last, but certainly not least, he shoves Abigail up his ass so the doll can lick his asshole. I wish I was joking, but sadly I am not.
And the sexual jokes don’t stop there. I would say where about 30 or so other sexual gags throughout the film which are very similar in tone. What makes it worse is that most of these jokes seem to be recycled from the first film or from other films including one from the original Scary Movie. If you can think back to the Scary Movie from 2000, Cindy (Anna Faris) and Bobby (Jon Abrahams) are having sex and Bobby orgasms causing Cindy to fly into the ceiling drenched with semen. In A Haunted House 2, Megan and Malcolm are having sex on camera and it leads Megan to have a massive squirting orgasm causing Malcolm to be thrown against the wall. The same joke can also be experienced in the first Haunted House when fucking the ghost, which is the same joke from Scary Movie 2.
I wish these were the only two horrendous moments in A Haunted House 2, but they are just two of the more painful ones that I recall. Scenes like the ones above just continue throughout the film’s short, but almost impossible to sit through 90 minute run-time. Other bad sexual gags that stand out include an overly long scene between Malcolm and Becky talking about her box, Becky having a penis stuck in her throat, and jokes about a Mandingo party. Seriously folks, the sexual gags just keep on coming and none of them are even the slightest bit funny.
As anyone who has seen the trailer already knows, the film features a lot of race related jokes on top of the sexual ones. The entire bit about Malcolm’s dog being killed by a safe and screaming “tell them that the dog is white” was unfunny in the trailer, but that scene goes on for about 5 minutes in the actual film. The other racial humor includes non-stop Mexican jokes every time Gabriel Iglesias‘ character Miguel is on-screen, Megan’s son Wyatt having a stereotypical black invisible friend named Tony that constantly says racist things to Malcolm, and lastly, a joke that actually offended me.
Now, I don’t get offended easily and considering all the movies that I see each year, it is very rare that I get offended. The joke that offended me in Haunted House 2 compares to the rape joke in Kick-Ass 2 that had everyone criticizing the film. The joke is about suicide and in the film, Malcolm states “Black people don’t commit suicide that’s for white people. We (black people) murder people.” That joke is not only in poor taste, but should be undoubtedly offensive to both blacks and whites. Its a joke that goes beyond a stereotype and makes a judgement about two races that I think is just simply shameful.
When you take out all the racial and sexual jokes of A Haunted House 2 there really isn’t much left to talk about. The film mocks Insidious and the Conjuring, but unlike the classic spoof movies there isn’t much of a story. Spoof movies like Airplane, Naked Gun, and Hot Shots had a central story, but all the recent spoof movies don’t. Wayans and his writing partner, Rick Alvarez were much more worried about throwing in 50 Mexican jokes rather than crafting a story that actually made sense. The film has no real flow to it either and just feels like a bunch of jokes spliced together with props or characters from horror movies in the mix. The characters from the films do look the part, but sadly the film never tries to do anything clever with them. The script simply uses them as a way to create yet another unoriginal joke that isn’t even remotely funny.
At the end of the day, A Haunted House 2 is somehow even worse than its predecessor on all levels. The jokes go on for far too long, are painfully unfunny, and are simply borrowed from the previous film or other movies. The story has even less of a focus this time around and lacks any structure. And lastly, the writing and direction is beyond amateurish. I can only hope that audiences are smart enough to steer clear of this one after seeing how bad the original one was. I think the worst thing of all about seeing this film is that I saw this film with Marlon Wayans at the screening. Wayans seems like such an funny guy, but the fact that he writes and stars in crap like this, I just can’t help but shake my head in disgust. A Haunted House 2 is without a doubt the biggest pile of shit to come out of a major studio since for at least the past two years.
MovieManMenzel’s final rating for A Haunted House 2 is a 1 out of 10.
Oh, and one last thing, the film ends on a cliffhanger that leaves the door open for yet another sequel. So, if A Haunted House 2 makes over $10 million at the box office, you can expect A Haunted House 3 in 2015.